The Angry Artist.

I have been a ”good girl” all my life. My childhood was confusing and scary. Adults were angry all the time, but never explained why and we never talked about anything or had closure on anything. There was alcohol, all sorts of abuse, violence, strange and scary drunk people, name calling, yelling and bullying, but that was never issued in any ways and we had to pretend that it did not exist, because there was this weird importance on how we look on the outside. So what it actually was never matched to what we presented it to be. We also had this unwritten rule that you don’t bring more sh*t to our already sh*t filled table, so I learned skills to keep my sh*t to myself and make it pretty if someone ever asked. In other words, swallow my feelings and think happy thoughts.

I kept doing it until I hit 38, got diagnosed for ADHD, got meds and slowly started to open my eyes from the bubble that I had been living in. I started feeling anger again, I hadn’t felt it in decades. The bubble burst 2 years after and i realized that by swallowing my feelings and thinking happy thoughts got me to a place in life where i was surrounded mostly by controlling, selfish, narcissistic and mean people, and in situations and relationships that were just sh* t in pretty wrappings and mostly just pretending that nothing is wrong. All this because my brain had thought that it is what I must want, because swallowing my feelings and thinking happy thoughts is all I do, so it wanted to make sure I had plenty of reason to do that. Brains are cool that way. They mean well, but if no one teaches them anything else, that is all they know.

So here I am, after effectively destroying everything fake or toxic in my life in an agreement and help with and from the universe, I am now teaching my body to feel feelings and my brains to express them. I have swallowed every fuck I have ever had in my 42 years of living, so unlike many others, I do have plenty of fucks to give. And yes, I am giving them from the safety and comfort of my home, because it is rooted deep that saying anything gets you into trouble and you get punished. So there, my first fuck I just gave!

Have a wonderful day!

With lots of love: Laura